If you were any colder, you'd be a liquid nitrogen tank.

I'd say you're the joke, but even jokes have some humor in them.

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

I'm sorry - did my back hurt your knife?

I'm not saying you're unoriginal, but your insults are as stale as day-old bread.

Are you at a loss for words, or did you exhaust your entire vocabulary?

The series of mental backflips I had to do to try and understand your point should have broken my neck..

Your burns are so weak, they wouldn't even light a match.

If you were any less relevant, you'd be a footnote in history.

You're the reason they invented the mute button.

You've got the wit of a snail on a caffeine crash.

I'd ask you to explain your insult, but I doubt you even understand it yourself.

Your insults are about as potent as a dead battery.

I like you just the way you are: uninspiring, uninteresting, and dreadfully unfunny..

Being a dick to me won't make yours bigger..

I bet you practice those insults in the mirror, don't you?

Is that your best attempt? It's laughably bad.

Are you normally this obnoxious, or is there some class you took?

You're like a black hole - everything good goes in, but nothing comes out.

Your roasts are like sunburns – irritating but ultimately forgettable.

If brains were taxed, you'd get a refund.

Your roast was so weak, even your shadow disowned you.

When they said grow a pair, they didn't mean for you to have kids..

How awful. I was just imagining the day of your birth in my head..

I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.

I'd love to engage in a battle of wits, but I see you came unarmed.

A corpse is better company than you.

This is a lose-lose situation for me. I lose my valuable time and any semblance of compassion I had left..

You're so two-faced, I'm surprised you haven't been arrested for identity theft.

You hear that? It's the sound of me not caring.

A glowstick has a brighter future than you. Lasts longer in bed, too.

I must have been imagining things. For a second there, I thought you made a valid point.

Is it lonely up there in the land of mediocrity?

I don't want to rain on your parade. I want a typhoon.

Your insults are like a mosquito's bite - annoying for a moment, then quickly forgotten.

I have a present for you. I present to you: absolutely fucking nothing..

You must have been dropped on your head as a child. Repeatedly.

Your skin is glowing, but I think it's from the radiation emanating from your toxic ass personality..

Have a nice day - somewhere else.

You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

When God made you, you must have been on the bottom of his “to-do” list.

Is part 2 of your argument coming out soon or is that it?

Your insults are like a weather forecast – predictably disappointing.

Keep going; I need a good laugh today.

Your insults are about as effective as a floppy disk in 2023.

Some people hatch into beautiful butterflies. Some people hatch into whatever the hell you are..

You're about as original as a smartphone ringtone.

My heart was beating fast when I saw you walk in. I thought you were the monster under my bed..

I bet your family tree is a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.

I've seen scarier things in a children's Halloween party.

I'd return the insult, but that would be an upgrade for you.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you came unarmed.

I can't think of anything to celebrate on your birthday except you being closer to death..

I've seen funnier things on error screens.

I'd give you a witty comeback, but I don't have the time or the crayons.

You're a living testament to the fact that stupidity is infinite.

You should come with a warning label..

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm definitely above your pay grade.

You hit the nail right on the head. Too bad your parents took it literally..

You're an unscented candle in a store full of beautiful fragrances.

Is that your idea of a sick burn? You might want to see a doctor for that weak delivery.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on Earth.

It got a little chillier in here once I realized you were a cold-hearted bitch..

The fact that you're still talking astonishes me. I figured your supply of stupid would have run out by now.

I've heard better disses from a malfunctioning chatbot.

I'd roast you back, but that would be like kicking a dead horse.

You're so full of hot air, you could inflate a balloon just by talking.

I'm not saying you're dense, but your insults have the weight of a black hole.

Large and in charge isn't your excuse to be a fat asshole..

Ditch the outfit. You're enough of an asshat as it is..

Your life must be like a comedy of errors. Too bad it's not funny.

If I wanted to be roasted, I'd ask my toaster for advice.

I've met toddlers with better verbal skills than you.

You're like a faulty GPS – constantly recalculating your insults.

You're the type of person that uses their 3rd grade research paper as a resume booster..

Your roasts are so stale, they belong in a museum of bad humor.

I'm not saying you're forgettable, but I already forgot what you said.

The amount of meaningful things you've done in your life wouldn't be enough to fill a single page..

Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm not feeling any connection here.

Your roast was so weak, I almost mistook it for a compliment.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my own awesomeness.

Your words are as empty as an unopened spam email.

You must be on a low battery; your insults are running out of energy.

Did you come up with that roast all by yourself, or did you have help from a thesaurus?

Your wit is so sharp it could pop a balloon filled with hot air – like yourself.

That's the best you can do? I'm disappointed.

Did I hurt your ego? Do you want a kissy on your boo-boo?

I'd say your insults are garbage, but that would be an insult to garbage.

I'd say your insults are terrible, but that would be an insult to terrible things.

I didn't put garlic over my door because I think you're a vampire. It just smells much better than you..

You're like a broken pencil - pointless and full of lead.

Your wit is so sharp it could cut fog – oh wait, you've got none.

If you had a dollar for every brain cell, you'd still be bankrupt.

A roast from you is like a gentle breeze – barely noticeable.

Oh, you're on fire today! Just like your chances of being relevant.

Please, continue. I've always wanted a pet parrot that repeats nonsense.

You must be the reason for global warming because you're so full of hot air.

Nice try, but I've heard better insults from a toddler.

Your absence would affect me greatly. I'd finally get some peace and quiet..

Is your goal in life to be this unremarkable, or does it just come naturally?

I'm not sure what's more tragic: your attempt at humor or your fashion choices.

I've seen better comebacks on fortune cookies.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

I'm not saying you're shallow, but your insults certainly are.

Your roasts are like a toddler's attempts at walking - cute but ultimately unsuccessful.

Your insults are like flat soda - they lack any fizz or flavor.

The fact that someone wakes up to your face in the morning should be alarming. And yes, I'm referring to the mirror as well..

You're the corner piece to an unsolvable puzzle: everyone looks right past you..

Oh, I'm sorry, I must have mistaken you for someone who actually matters.

Your roast was as effective as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.

Your roasts are about as spicy as plain white bread.

They say our brains don't stop developing until we reach 25; looks like yours stopped a bit early..

Save your breath; you'll need it to blow up your next date.

I'd be offended, but I can't take you seriously enough for that.

You're like a pop-up ad – annoying and easily ignored.

I didn't know they still made comebacks as weak as yours.

I am not ignoring you. I am just giving you time to understand what you just said.

If you ever cross my mind, I'll make sure it's a busy intersection..

Your roasts are like a bad case of hiccups - irritating, but they pass quickly.

Your burns are so weak, they couldn't even light a birthday candle.

I wanted to live life without many regrets. Then I met you..

Do you always try this hard to be this unremarkable?

Oh, I'm sorry, did you think I cared about your opinion?

I'd have hired an exterminator if I knew you were gonna bug the shit out of me.

You're the reason they invented spell check.

I don't know what's more impressive - your ability to ruin a good mood or your talent for destroying conversations.

Save your breath; I've heard better insults from telemarketers.

I've seen better burns on a microwave dinner.

Keep going; I'm collecting material for my 'Roast of the Year' acceptance speech.

I'm not going to repeat myself, but I'm also glad to do anything that prevents you from talking..

You're not even worth the calories it would take to burn you.

Don't quit your day job; comedy isn't your strong suit.

Don't worry. Everyone makes mistakes. Your parents, for one..

Did you just come up with that all by yourself, or did you Google it?

I'd be offended, but I don't take insults from amateurs seriously.

Your attempt at a burn was so weak, I almost mistook it for a compliment.

I gave out all my trophies a while ago, but here's a participation award.

You're like a YouTube ad – everyone skips over you.

Your parents must be so proud that they're not you.

You're so dim, you make the moon jealous.

If I wanted a comeback, I'd scrape it off your ego.

The Department of Homeland Security added your existence to the list of “Natural Disasters.”.

If you were any less intelligent, we'd have to water you twice a week.

If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I'd watch reality TV.

Well, that was about as effective as a screen door on a submarine.

Louie Armstrong would have never released “What a Wonderful World” had he met you..

Thanks for the roast. Now kindly return to irrelevance.

Your burns are like an abandoned website – deserted and forgotten.

I was expecting a real burn, not a flicker of disappointment.

You're like a broken record – same insults on repeat.

I'd tell you to get a life, but I'm afraid you'd make it your career.

You're like a black hole, but instead of sucking in matter, you suck the fun out of every room.

I understand everything you said. I'm choosing to ignore you..

Your ignorance makes my racist uncle look like Albert Einstein..

I don't have any trash to take out today, but I volunteer you as tribute.

If I wanted a good burn, I'd ask the sun for help.

Every time I think you can't get any dumber, you prove me wrong.

You're like a mosquito - annoying, but ultimately easy to swat away.

It's impressive how you manage to be so consistently irrelevant.

You must have a Ph.D. in stupidity.

No amount of self-editing can fix the massive failure your autobiography would be.

Is it exhausting being so consistently irrelevant?

Good job. You almost reached a level of coherency resembling my newborn son..

I've been called worse things by better people in better outfits.

Your brain is working overtime today. You better pay it extra..

I've had mosquito bites more bothersome than your insults.

You must have a Ph.D. in predictability.

You're the reason some animals eat their young.

I'm not saying you're incapable of originality, but your insults are as stale as bread from last week.

I was trying to come up with an insult, but then I remembered I don't argue with idiots.

I'd spell it out for you, but that's assuming you know your ABC's.

Is that the best you've got? I've heard better disses from a toddler.

I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you're unarmed.

I applaud your effort, but I think I'm the only one in the audience. And I'm leaving early..

I would like some tips on how to clear my mind from someone with nothing meaningful to contribute. Care to help?

I would insult you, but nature already did a fantastic job.

If I had a dollar for every brain cell you have, I'd be in debt.

Wow, I've heard more creative insults from a preschooler.

I'm not saying you're ordinary, but you'd struggle to stand out in a crowd of wallpaper.

I'd throw you some shade, but you wouldn't know how to catch it.

You have an entire life ahead of you to be a jerk. Why not take today off?

Your attempt at a burn was as effective as trying to put out a forest fire with a water gun.

You're the human equivalent of a participation trophy.

Did you come up with that insult all by yourself, or did you Google it?

I could listen to your insults all day – said no one ever.

I've never had many life goals. I'm just really grateful I'm not you..

Your burns are so weak, they wouldn't even toast a marshmallow.

I could respond, but I don't converse with background noise.

I'm trying to see things from your perspective, but I can't seem to get my head that far my asshole.

You've got something on your face. No, not there - everywhere.

Your existence is the reason aliens won't talk to us.

Earth has a population of over 7 billion, and I had to meet the biggest loser imaginable..

Your insults are as effective as a paper umbrella in a hurricane.

Your insults are like junk mail – I toss them out without a second thought.

I'd respond to your insult, but I'm allergic to stupidity.

Your roasts are like a password with no characters – utterly forgettable.

Has anyone ever tried to smack some sense into you? Allow me to be the first one..

All mistakes are fixable, yet you aren't.