If I had a dollar for every brain cell you have, I'd be in debt.

You must have been dropped on your head as a child. Repeatedly.

The amount of meaningful things you've done in your life wouldn't be enough to fill a single page..

I'd love to engage in a battle of wits, but I see you came unarmed.

I can't think of anything to celebrate on your birthday except you being closer to death..

A corpse is better company than you.

Your roasts are like a bad case of hiccups - irritating, but they pass quickly.

Keep going; I need a good laugh today.

Wow, I've heard more creative insults from a preschooler.

There was some terrible traffic accident on the news today. I was hoping that it was you..

Oh, you're on fire today! Just like your chances of being relevant.

Do you always try this hard to be this unremarkable?

I could listen to your insults all day – said no one ever.

Your insults are like junk mail – I toss them out without a second thought.

I could respond, but I don't converse with background noise.

If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I'd watch reality TV.

Did you come up with that insult all by yourself, or did you Google it?

I am not ignoring you. I am just giving you time to understand what you just said.

Your skin is glowing, but I think it's from the radiation emanating from your toxic ass personality..

A glowstick has a brighter future than you. Lasts longer in bed, too.

You're like a black hole - everything good goes in, but nothing comes out.

You're the reason some animals eat their young.

I'm not saying you're ordinary, but you'd struggle to stand out in a crowd of wallpaper.

You're a living testament to the fact that stupidity is infinite.

Your wit is so sharp it could pop a balloon filled with hot air – like yourself.

Wow, you really dug deep into the generic insult vault, huh?

Your life must be like a comedy of errors. Too bad it's not funny.

All mistakes are fixable, yet you aren't.

I'd return the insult, but that would be an upgrade for you.

If I wanted to be roasted, I'd ask my toaster for advice.

I've heard better roasts from a toaster.

I didn't know they still made comebacks as weak as yours.

Your parents must be so proud that they're not you.

You're an unscented candle in a store full of beautiful fragrances.

Your roast was as effective as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.

I bet your family tree is a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.

You hear that? It's the sound of me not caring.

I'd say you're the joke, but even jokes have some humor in them.

I don't want to rain on your parade. I want a typhoon.

You're so full of hot air, you could inflate a balloon just by talking.

Your insults are about as effective as a floppy disk in 2023.

I'd throw you some shade, but you wouldn't know how to catch it.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm definitely above your pay grade.

Nice try, but I've heard better insults from a toddler.

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong - and that wouldn't be fair to you.

Is it lonely up there in the land of mediocrity?

You're not even worth the calories it would take to burn you.

You should come with a warning label..

Your insults are like flat soda - they lack any fizz or flavor.

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

When God made you, you must have been on the bottom of his “to-do” list.

I've met toddlers with better verbal skills than you.

If you had a dollar for every brain cell, you'd still be bankrupt.

The series of mental backflips I had to do to try and understand your point should have broken my neck..

I understand everything you said. I'm choosing to ignore you..

Louie Armstrong would have never released “What a Wonderful World” had he met you..

Your absence would affect me greatly. I'd finally get some peace and quiet..

You're not simply a drama queen. You're the whole royal family.

I'm not saying you're unoriginal, but your insults are as stale as day-old bread.

I don't know what's more impressive - your ability to ruin a good mood or your talent for destroying conversations.

No amount of self-editing can fix the massive failure your autobiography would be.

I've seen scarier things in a children's Halloween party.

Your burns are so weak, they wouldn't even toast a marshmallow.

I bet you practice those insults in the mirror, don't you?

I would like some tips on how to clear my mind from someone with nothing meaningful to contribute. Care to help?

Thanks for the roast. Now kindly return to irrelevance.

My heart was beating fast when I saw you walk in. I thought you were the monster under my bed..

Ditch the outfit. You're enough of an asshat as it is..

You must be on a low battery; your insults are running out of energy.

I'd tell you to get a life, but I'm afraid you'd make it your career.

You're like a mosquito - annoying, but ultimately easy to swat away.

I'd spell it out for you, but that's assuming you know your ABC's.

Your insults are like empty promises - nobody believes them.

I've been called worse things by better people.

I'm not saying you're shallow, but your insults certainly are.

Your insults are like a mosquito's bite - annoying for a moment, then quickly forgotten.

I'd say your insults are terrible, but that would be an insult to terrible things.

It got a little chillier in here once I realized you were a cold-hearted bitch..

I'm sorry - did my back hurt your knife?

How awful. I was just imagining the day of your birth in my head..

You hit the nail right on the head. Too bad your parents took it literally..

Your burns are so weak, they wouldn't even light a match.

I've seen better burns on a microwave dinner.

Earth has a population of over 7 billion, and I had to meet the biggest loser imaginable..

Your wit is so sharp it could cut fog – oh wait, you've got none.

Did I hurt your ego? Do you want a kissy on your boo-boo?

Break a leg. No, seriously, break a leg..

Has anyone ever tried to smack some sense into you? Allow me to be the first one..

Are you at a loss for words, or did you exhaust your entire vocabulary?

I've seen better comebacks on fortune cookies.

If brains were taxed, you'd get a refund.

Some people hatch into beautiful butterflies. Some people hatch into whatever the hell you are..

Is that your idea of a sick burn? You might want to see a doctor for that weak delivery.

You're the reason they invented the mute button.

I'd give you a witty comeback, but I don't have the time or the crayons.

Oh, I'm sorry, I must have mistaken you for someone who actually matters.

Your roasts are like a password with no characters – utterly forgettable.

Swallow your pride and your tongue while you're at it.

When they said grow a pair, they didn't mean for you to have kids..

I'm not sure what's more tragic: your attempt at humor or your fashion choices.

I don't have any trash to take out today, but I volunteer you as tribute.

You must have a Ph.D. in stupidity.

Is your goal in life to be this unremarkable, or does it just come naturally?

Being a dick to me won't make yours bigger..

I gave out all my trophies a while ago, but here's a participation award.

If you were any less relevant, you'd be a footnote in history.

Is that the best you've got? I've heard better disses from a toddler.

Wow, that burn was so weak, I could warm my hands over it.

You are the architect of your life. Unfortunately, the blueprints are messy, written in Mandarin, and waterlogged beyond all recognition..

I'd respond to your insult, but I'm allergic to stupidity.

Do you ever wonder if people talk about you behind your back

I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my own awesomeness.

If you ever cross my mind, I'll make sure it's a busy intersection..

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on Earth.

Your roasts are like a toddler's attempts at walking - cute but ultimately unsuccessful.

You're like a YouTube ad – everyone skips over you.

Have a nice day - somewhere else.

Every time I think you can't get any dumber, you prove me wrong.

I applaud your effort, but I think I'm the only one in the audience. And I'm leaving early..

I'd have hired an exterminator if I knew you were gonna bug the shit out of me.

I'd say your insults are garbage, but that would be an insult to garbage.

Your attempt at a burn was so weak, I almost mistook it for a compliment.

Your roast was so weak, even your shadow disowned you.

You must have a Ph.D. in predictability.

You're the reason the divorce rate is so high.

Save your breath; I've heard better insults from telemarketers.

I'm not saying you're forgettable, but I already forgot what you said.

I was trying to come up with an insult, but then I remembered I don't argue with idiots.

It's impressive how you manage to be so consistently irrelevant.

Are you normally this obnoxious, or is there some class you took?

I would insult you, but nature already did a fantastic job.

Your roasts are so stale, they belong in a museum of bad humor.

You're the type of person that uses their 3rd grade research paper as a resume booster..

You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

Don't worry. Everyone makes mistakes. Your parents, for one..

Is that your best attempt? It's laughably bad.

I must have been imagining things. For a second there, I thought you made a valid point.

I wanted to live life without many regrets. Then I met you..

Your burns are like an abandoned website – deserted and forgotten.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you came unarmed.

I have a present for you. I present to you: absolutely fucking nothing..

You're the corner piece to an unsolvable puzzle: everyone looks right past you..

Keep going; I'm collecting material for my 'Roast of the Year' acceptance speech.

I'm not saying you're incapable of originality, but your insults are as stale as bread from last week.

You're the reason they invented spell check.

Large and in charge isn't your excuse to be a fat asshole..

Please, continue. I've always wanted a pet parrot that repeats nonsense.

That's the best you can do? I'm disappointed.

If I wanted a good burn, I'd ask the sun for help.

They say our brains don't stop developing until we reach 25; looks like yours stopped a bit early..

The Department of Homeland Security added your existence to the list of “Natural Disasters.”.

You're about as original as a smartphone ringtone.

I didn't put garlic over my door because I think you're a vampire. It just smells much better than you..

Funny, I don't remember you raising your hand. I'm going to call on someone else..

I'm trying to see things from your perspective, but I can't seem to get my head that far my asshole.

I've never had many life goals. I'm just really grateful I'm not you..

Good job. You almost reached a level of coherency resembling my newborn son..

If I wanted a comeback, I'd scrape it off your ego.

You have an entire life ahead of you to be a jerk. Why not take today off?

You're like a broken record – same insults on repeat.

You're so two-faced, I'm surprised you haven't been arrested for identity theft.

This is a lose-lose situation for me. I lose my valuable time and any semblance of compassion I had left..

Your existence is the reason aliens won't talk to us.

You're like a pop-up ad – annoying and easily ignored.

If you were any colder, you'd be a liquid nitrogen tank.

Your roasts are about as spicy as plain white bread.

I've heard better disses from a malfunctioning chatbot.

I've been called worse things by better people in better outfits.

You're like a black hole, but instead of sucking in matter, you suck the fun out of every room.

I've seen funnier things on error screens.

You're like a broken pencil - pointless and full of lead.

Your burns are so weak, they couldn't even light a birthday candle.

You're so dim, you make the moon jealous.

Last week's test was on shapes and colors, but it appears like you might have to revisit that after today's conversation..

I was expecting a real burn, not a flicker of disappointment.

Your ignorance makes my racist uncle look like Albert Einstein..

Save your breath; you'll need it to blow up your next date.

A roast from you is like a gentle breeze – barely noticeable.

Did you just come up with that all by yourself, or did you Google it?

If you were any less intelligent, we'd have to water you twice a week.

Your insults are as effective as a paper umbrella in a hurricane.

Your roasts are like sunburns – irritating but ultimately forgettable.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you think I cared about your opinion?

You've got the wit of a snail on a caffeine crash.

Did you come up with that roast all by yourself, or did you have help from a thesaurus?

Keep trying. Maybe someday you'll come up with a good insult.

Your insults are like a weather forecast – predictably disappointing.

The fact that you're still talking astonishes me. I figured your supply of stupid would have run out by now.

The fact that someone wakes up to your face in the morning should be alarming. And yes, I'm referring to the mirror as well..

I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you're unarmed.

You can be anything you want - except good looking.

You're a living example of why some animals eat their young.

Your roast was so weak, I almost mistook it for a compliment.

Your words are as empty as an unopened spam email.

I'd roast you back, but that would be like kicking a dead horse.

Don't quit your day job; comedy isn't your strong suit.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.