I could listen to your insults all day – said no one ever.

Swallow your pride and your tongue while you're at it.

Your brain is working overtime today. You better pay it extra..

I've had mosquito bites more bothersome than your insults.

Break a leg. No, seriously, break a leg..

Are you normally this obnoxious, or is there some class you took?

I must have been imagining things. For a second there, I thought you made a valid point.

There was some terrible traffic accident on the news today. I was hoping that it was you..

A roast from you is like a gentle breeze – barely noticeable.

I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.

If you ever cross my mind, I'll make sure it's a busy intersection..

You hit the nail right on the head. Too bad your parents took it literally..

If you were any less relevant, you'd be a footnote in history.

My heart was beating fast when I saw you walk in. I thought you were the monster under my bed..

I don't have any trash to take out today, but I volunteer you as tribute.

If I wanted a good burn, I'd ask the sun for help.

You must have a Ph.D. in stupidity.

Large and in charge isn't your excuse to be a fat asshole..

I wanted to live life without many regrets. Then I met you..

You hear that? It's the sound of me not caring.

Your parents must be so proud that they're not you.

I don't know what's more impressive - your ability to ruin a good mood or your talent for destroying conversations.

I would like some tips on how to clear my mind from someone with nothing meaningful to contribute. Care to help?

I'd say you're the joke, but even jokes have some humor in them.

The fact that you're still talking astonishes me. I figured your supply of stupid would have run out by now.

You're so two-faced, I'm surprised you haven't been arrested for identity theft.

Your roasts are about as spicy as plain white bread.

If I wanted a comeback, I'd scrape it off your ego.

I applaud your effort, but I think I'm the only one in the audience. And I'm leaving early..

Your insults are as effective as a paper umbrella in a hurricane.

Wow, that burn was so weak, I could warm my hands over it.

Have a nice day - somewhere else.

You're like a mosquito - annoying, but ultimately easy to swat away.

I'm not saying you're unoriginal, but your insults are as stale as day-old bread.

That's the best you can do? I'm disappointed.

Nice try, but I've heard better insults from a toddler.

You're the reason the divorce rate is so high.

You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

I bet you practice those insults in the mirror, don't you?

I like you just the way you are: uninspiring, uninteresting, and dreadfully unfunny..

Keep going; I need a good laugh today.

You have an entire life ahead of you to be a jerk. Why not take today off?

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

I've been called worse things by better people.

I'd give you a witty comeback, but I don't have the time or the crayons.

Your burns are so weak, they wouldn't even toast a marshmallow.

You must be the reason for global warming because you're so full of hot air.

Your roast was so weak, I almost mistook it for a compliment.

Your existence is the reason aliens won't talk to us.

I've seen better comebacks on fortune cookies.

Oh, I'm sorry, I must have mistaken you for someone who actually matters.

You've got something on your face. No, not there - everywhere.

Your insults are about as potent as a dead battery.

Your roast was as effective as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.

You're the human equivalent of a participation trophy.

You're the reason some animals eat their young.

I am not ignoring you. I am just giving you time to understand what you just said.

Is it lonely up there in the land of mediocrity?

I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you're unarmed.

Last week's test was on shapes and colors, but it appears like you might have to revisit that after today's conversation..

I gave out all my trophies a while ago, but here's a participation award.

Do you always try this hard to be this unremarkable?

The series of mental backflips I had to do to try and understand your point should have broken my neck..

I'd say your insults are terrible, but that would be an insult to terrible things.

You are the architect of your life. Unfortunately, the blueprints are messy, written in Mandarin, and waterlogged beyond all recognition..

You're like a pop-up ad – annoying and easily ignored.

No amount of self-editing can fix the massive failure your autobiography would be.

I've seen better burns on a microwave dinner.

It got a little chillier in here once I realized you were a cold-hearted bitch..

You're the reason they invented spell check.

Is that your idea of a sick burn? You might want to see a doctor for that weak delivery.

Keep going; I'm collecting material for my 'Roast of the Year' acceptance speech.

Earth has a population of over 7 billion, and I had to meet the biggest loser imaginable..

I understand everything you said. I'm choosing to ignore you..

If you were any colder, you'd be a liquid nitrogen tank.

How awful. I was just imagining the day of your birth in my head..

You're so dim, you make the moon jealous.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you think I cared about your opinion?

Your life must be like a comedy of errors. Too bad it's not funny.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my own awesomeness.

Did you come up with that insult all by yourself, or did you Google it?

Your attempt at a burn was as effective as trying to put out a forest fire with a water gun.

You've got the wit of a snail on a caffeine crash.

You're so full of hot air, you could inflate a balloon just by talking.

Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm not feeling any connection here.

The Department of Homeland Security added your existence to the list of “Natural Disasters.”.

A glowstick has a brighter future than you. Lasts longer in bed, too.

You're the corner piece to an unsolvable puzzle: everyone looks right past you..

I've met toddlers with better verbal skills than you.

All mistakes are fixable, yet you aren't.

Your insults are like flat soda - they lack any fizz or flavor.

If I had a dollar for every brain cell you have, I'd be in debt.

Don't worry. Everyone makes mistakes. Your parents, for one..

Is it exhausting being so consistently irrelevant?

You're like a faulty GPS – constantly recalculating your insults.

Wow, I've heard more creative insults from a preschooler.

Did you come up with that roast all by yourself, or did you have help from a thesaurus?

I didn't put garlic over my door because I think you're a vampire. It just smells much better than you..

I'm not saying you're forgettable, but I already forgot what you said.

Your roasts are so stale, they belong in a museum of bad humor.

You can be anything you want - except good looking.

You're an unscented candle in a store full of beautiful fragrances.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm definitely above your pay grade.

I'd respond to your insult, but I'm allergic to stupidity.

Your ignorance makes my racist uncle look like Albert Einstein..

Your wit is so sharp it could pop a balloon filled with hot air – like yourself.

I'd love to engage in a battle of wits, but I see you came unarmed.

I'm not saying you're shallow, but your insults certainly are.

You must have been dropped on your head as a child. Repeatedly.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

Did you just come up with that all by yourself, or did you Google it?

Your roast was so weak, even your shadow disowned you.

Your roasts are like a bad case of hiccups - irritating, but they pass quickly.

You must be on a low battery; your insults are running out of energy.

Are you at a loss for words, or did you exhaust your entire vocabulary?

I can't think of anything to celebrate on your birthday except you being closer to death..

The amount of meaningful things you've done in your life wouldn't be enough to fill a single page..

I'd spell it out for you, but that's assuming you know your ABC's.

Oh, you're on fire today! Just like your chances of being relevant.

It's impressive how you manage to be so consistently irrelevant.

I'm not saying you're dense, but your insults have the weight of a black hole.

If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I'd watch reality TV.

You should come with a warning label..

Thanks for the roast. Now kindly return to irrelevance.

I'm not going to repeat myself, but I'm also glad to do anything that prevents you from talking..

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you came unarmed.

Is that the best you've got? I've heard better disses from a toddler.

Don't quit your day job; comedy isn't your strong suit.

You're the type of person that uses their 3rd grade research paper as a resume booster..

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong - and that wouldn't be fair to you.

Your burns are like an abandoned website – deserted and forgotten.

Your insults are about as effective as a floppy disk in 2023.

Has anyone ever tried to smack some sense into you? Allow me to be the first one..

You're like a broken record – same insults on repeat.

Is your goal in life to be this unremarkable, or does it just come naturally?

I bet your family tree is a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.

Good job. You almost reached a level of coherency resembling my newborn son..

You must have a Ph.D. in predictability.

I've never had many life goals. I'm just really grateful I'm not you..

I'd return the insult, but that would be an upgrade for you.

I'd throw you some shade, but you wouldn't know how to catch it.

I'm not saying you're incapable of originality, but your insults are as stale as bread from last week.

They say our brains don't stop developing until we reach 25; looks like yours stopped a bit early..

I was expecting a real burn, not a flicker of disappointment.

A corpse is better company than you.

Your absence would affect me greatly. I'd finally get some peace and quiet..

Your skin is glowing, but I think it's from the radiation emanating from your toxic ass personality..

I'd have hired an exterminator if I knew you were gonna bug the shit out of me.

Some people hatch into beautiful butterflies. Some people hatch into whatever the hell you are..

If I wanted to be roasted, I'd ask my toaster for advice.

Your roasts are like a toddler's attempts at walking - cute but ultimately unsuccessful.

Your insults are like junk mail – I toss them out without a second thought.

If brains were taxed, you'd get a refund.

I've heard better disses from a malfunctioning chatbot.

I'm not saying you're ordinary, but you'd struggle to stand out in a crowd of wallpaper.

I've been called worse things by better people in better outfits.

I'm sorry - did my back hurt your knife?

Your roasts are like a password with no characters – utterly forgettable.

I don't want to rain on your parade. I want a typhoon.

I have a present for you. I present to you: absolutely fucking nothing..

I could respond, but I don't converse with background noise.

I'm not sure what's more tragic: your attempt at humor or your fashion choices.

Your burns are so weak, they wouldn't even light a match.

I'd be offended, but I can't take you seriously enough for that.

You're a living example of why some animals eat their young.

I was trying to come up with an insult, but then I remembered I don't argue with idiots.

I would insult you, but nature already did a fantastic job.

Keep trying. Maybe someday you'll come up with a good insult.

You're like a YouTube ad – everyone skips over you.

When God made you, you must have been on the bottom of his “to-do” list.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on Earth.

You're the reason they invented the mute button.

Your roasts are like sunburns – irritating but ultimately forgettable.

Your burns are so weak, they couldn't even light a birthday candle.

You're about as original as a smartphone ringtone.

I'd tell you to get a life, but I'm afraid you'd make it your career.

If you had a dollar for every brain cell, you'd still be bankrupt.

Your words are as empty as an unopened spam email.

I've heard better roasts from a toaster.

I'd ask you to explain your insult, but I doubt you even understand it yourself.

I was hoping for a challenge, but I suppose I'll have to settle for this.

You're like a black hole, but instead of sucking in matter, you suck the fun out of every room.

Being a dick to me won't make yours bigger..

Please, continue. I've always wanted a pet parrot that repeats nonsense.

When they said grow a pair, they didn't mean for you to have kids..

I've seen funnier things on error screens.

Your insults are like a weather forecast – predictably disappointing.

I'd roast you back, but that would be like kicking a dead horse.

Your wit is so sharp it could cut fog – oh wait, you've got none.

I'd say your insults are garbage, but that would be an insult to garbage.

Well, that was about as effective as a screen door on a submarine.

Wow, you really dug deep into the generic insult vault, huh?

Did I hurt your ego? Do you want a kissy on your boo-boo?

Your insults are like empty promises - nobody believes them.

Your insults are like a mosquito's bite - annoying for a moment, then quickly forgotten.

The fact that someone wakes up to your face in the morning should be alarming. And yes, I'm referring to the mirror as well..

You're like a broken pencil - pointless and full of lead.

Louie Armstrong would have never released “What a Wonderful World” had he met you..