Being a dick to me won't make yours bigger..

I've been called worse things by better people.

Is that the best you've got? I've heard better disses from a toddler.

Good job. You almost reached a level of coherency resembling my newborn son..

If you were any colder, you'd be a liquid nitrogen tank.

I would like some tips on how to clear my mind from someone with nothing meaningful to contribute. Care to help?

If I wanted a good burn, I'd ask the sun for help.

I'd say your insults are garbage, but that would be an insult to garbage.

Swallow your pride and your tongue while you're at it.

This is a lose-lose situation for me. I lose my valuable time and any semblance of compassion I had left..

It got a little chillier in here once I realized you were a cold-hearted bitch..

Oh, I'm sorry, did you think I cared about your opinion?

I'm sorry - did my back hurt your knife?

I've seen funnier things on error screens.

You're the corner piece to an unsolvable puzzle: everyone looks right past you..

If you were any less relevant, you'd be a footnote in history.

You have an entire life ahead of you to be a jerk. Why not take today off?

You're not even worth the calories it would take to burn you.

Thanks for the roast. Now kindly return to irrelevance.

If you had a dollar for every brain cell, you'd still be bankrupt.

You are the architect of your life. Unfortunately, the blueprints are messy, written in Mandarin, and waterlogged beyond all recognition..

I'm not saying you're incapable of originality, but your insults are as stale as bread from last week.

I could listen to your insults all day – said no one ever.

I wanted to live life without many regrets. Then I met you..

Your words are as empty as an unopened spam email.

Is it exhausting being so consistently irrelevant?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my own awesomeness.

Your attempt at a burn was so weak, I almost mistook it for a compliment.

You're the reason some animals eat their young.

Is that your idea of a sick burn? You might want to see a doctor for that weak delivery.

I have a present for you. I present to you: absolutely fucking nothing..

I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.

Keep going; I need a good laugh today.

Your roast was so weak, I almost mistook it for a compliment.

I'm trying to see things from your perspective, but I can't seem to get my head that far my asshole.

When they said grow a pair, they didn't mean for you to have kids..

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on Earth.

I've seen better comebacks on fortune cookies.

Your burns are so weak, they wouldn't even light a match.

I'd have hired an exterminator if I knew you were gonna bug the shit out of me.

Your wit is so sharp it could pop a balloon filled with hot air – like yourself.

I'm not saying you're forgettable, but I already forgot what you said.

I could respond, but I don't converse with background noise.

You're the human equivalent of a participation trophy.

You're not simply a drama queen. You're the whole royal family.

You're so dim, you make the moon jealous.

Your insults are like junk mail – I toss them out without a second thought.

I didn't know they still made comebacks as weak as yours.

You must have a Ph.D. in predictability.

Your ignorance makes my racist uncle look like Albert Einstein..

Your insults are like flat soda - they lack any fizz or flavor.

Your life must be like a comedy of errors. Too bad it's not funny.

I gave out all my trophies a while ago, but here's a participation award.

I'd say you're the joke, but even jokes have some humor in them.

You're a living testament to the fact that stupidity is infinite.

You're the reason they invented spell check.

I understand everything you said. I'm choosing to ignore you..

I'm not saying you're ordinary, but you'd struggle to stand out in a crowd of wallpaper.

Your roasts are like sunburns – irritating but ultimately forgettable.

I'd give you a witty comeback, but I don't have the time or the crayons.

If I had a dollar for every brain cell you have, I'd be in debt.

Save your breath; I've heard better insults from telemarketers.

I'm not sure what's more tragic: your attempt at humor or your fashion choices.

Your roasts are so stale, they belong in a museum of bad humor.

I was expecting a real burn, not a flicker of disappointment.

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong - and that wouldn't be fair to you.

I've heard better disses from a malfunctioning chatbot.

Your insults are like empty promises - nobody believes them.

No amount of self-editing can fix the massive failure your autobiography would be.

You're the reason the divorce rate is so high.

Don't quit your day job; comedy isn't your strong suit.

Your burns are so weak, they wouldn't even toast a marshmallow.

I'd roast you back, but that would be like kicking a dead horse.

I bet your family tree is a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.

Large and in charge isn't your excuse to be a fat asshole..

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

Wow, I've heard more creative insults from a preschooler.

You're so two-faced, I'm surprised you haven't been arrested for identity theft.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm definitely above your pay grade.

You must have been dropped on your head as a child. Repeatedly.

You've got the wit of a snail on a caffeine crash.

You can be anything you want - except good looking.

Louie Armstrong would have never released “What a Wonderful World” had he met you..

Has anyone ever tried to smack some sense into you? Allow me to be the first one..

I'd tell you to get a life, but I'm afraid you'd make it your career.

I'd be offended, but I don't take insults from amateurs seriously.

When God made you, you must have been on the bottom of his “to-do” list.

The Department of Homeland Security added your existence to the list of “Natural Disasters.”.

I'd love to engage in a battle of wits, but I see you came unarmed.

Break a leg. No, seriously, break a leg..

I bet you practice those insults in the mirror, don't you?

A corpse is better company than you.

I don't know what's more impressive - your ability to ruin a good mood or your talent for destroying conversations.

Your insults are as effective as a paper umbrella in a hurricane.

You're like a black hole - everything good goes in, but nothing comes out.

I'd ask you to explain your insult, but I doubt you even understand it yourself.

Every time I think you can't get any dumber, you prove me wrong.

Keep trying. Maybe someday you'll come up with a good insult.

I'd spell it out for you, but that's assuming you know your ABC's.

I'd throw you some shade, but you wouldn't know how to catch it.

The fact that someone wakes up to your face in the morning should be alarming. And yes, I'm referring to the mirror as well..

I'd respond to your insult, but I'm allergic to stupidity.

Your parents must be so proud that they're not you.

Funny, I don't remember you raising your hand. I'm going to call on someone else..

Is part 2 of your argument coming out soon or is that it?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

A glowstick has a brighter future than you. Lasts longer in bed, too.

I'm not going to repeat myself, but I'm also glad to do anything that prevents you from talking..

Do you always try this hard to be this unremarkable?

Your burns are like an abandoned website – deserted and forgotten.

Earth has a population of over 7 billion, and I had to meet the biggest loser imaginable..

Your absence would affect me greatly. I'd finally get some peace and quiet..

All mistakes are fixable, yet you aren't.

Some people hatch into beautiful butterflies. Some people hatch into whatever the hell you are..

I've been called worse things by better people in better outfits.

If I wanted a comeback, I'd scrape it off your ego.

You hit the nail right on the head. Too bad your parents took it literally..

I'm not saying you're shallow, but your insults certainly are.

I've never had many life goals. I'm just really grateful I'm not you..

Your attempt at a burn was as effective as trying to put out a forest fire with a water gun.

Did you just come up with that all by yourself, or did you Google it?

Are you normally this obnoxious, or is there some class you took?

I'd return the insult, but that would be an upgrade for you.

The fact that you're still talking astonishes me. I figured your supply of stupid would have run out by now.

Your skin is glowing, but I think it's from the radiation emanating from your toxic ass personality..

They say our brains don't stop developing until we reach 25; looks like yours stopped a bit early..

Save your breath; you'll need it to blow up your next date.

Wow, you really dug deep into the generic insult vault, huh?

You're like a broken record – same insults on repeat.

Your burns are so weak, they couldn't even light a birthday candle.

Your insults are like a mosquito's bite - annoying for a moment, then quickly forgotten.

You're like a pop-up ad – annoying and easily ignored.

I've had mosquito bites more bothersome than your insults.

I must have been imagining things. For a second there, I thought you made a valid point.

It's impressive how you manage to be so consistently irrelevant.

I like you just the way you are: uninspiring, uninteresting, and dreadfully unfunny..

Is it lonely up there in the land of mediocrity?

I don't want to rain on your parade. I want a typhoon.

Are you at a loss for words, or did you exhaust your entire vocabulary?

You're a living example of why some animals eat their young.

You hear that? It's the sound of me not caring.

You've got something on your face. No, not there - everywhere.

You're an unscented candle in a store full of beautiful fragrances.

Did you come up with that insult all by yourself, or did you Google it?

Your roasts are like a password with no characters – utterly forgettable.

If brains were taxed, you'd get a refund.

You must have a Ph.D. in stupidity.

Your roasts are like a toddler's attempts at walking - cute but ultimately unsuccessful.

I didn't put garlic over my door because I think you're a vampire. It just smells much better than you..

Your brain is working overtime today. You better pay it extra..

Did I hurt your ego? Do you want a kissy on your boo-boo?

The series of mental backflips I had to do to try and understand your point should have broken my neck..

Well, that was about as effective as a screen door on a submarine.

You're like a mosquito - annoying, but ultimately easy to swat away.

Your insults are about as effective as a floppy disk in 2023.

Oh, I'm sorry, I must have mistaken you for someone who actually matters.

Did you come up with that roast all by yourself, or did you have help from a thesaurus?

The amount of meaningful things you've done in your life wouldn't be enough to fill a single page..

If I wanted to be roasted, I'd ask my toaster for advice.

I was hoping for a challenge, but I suppose I'll have to settle for this.

You're like a black hole, but instead of sucking in matter, you suck the fun out of every room.

I am not ignoring you. I am just giving you time to understand what you just said.

Your existence is the reason aliens won't talk to us.

Don't worry. Everyone makes mistakes. Your parents, for one..

Ditch the outfit. You're enough of an asshat as it is..

Your roast was as effective as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.

Last week's test was on shapes and colors, but it appears like you might have to revisit that after today's conversation..

You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

Keep going; I'm collecting material for my 'Roast of the Year' acceptance speech.

Please, continue. I've always wanted a pet parrot that repeats nonsense.

You're the type of person that uses their 3rd grade research paper as a resume booster..

I've seen better burns on a microwave dinner.

Your roast was so weak, even your shadow disowned you.

Your insults are about as potent as a dead battery.

Your roasts are like a bad case of hiccups - irritating, but they pass quickly.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you came unarmed.

Is your goal in life to be this unremarkable, or does it just come naturally?

If you were any less intelligent, we'd have to water you twice a week.

You're like a YouTube ad – everyone skips over you.

I'm not saying you're unoriginal, but your insults are as stale as day-old bread.

Your wit is so sharp it could cut fog – oh wait, you've got none.

I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you're unarmed.

Oh, you're on fire today! Just like your chances of being relevant.

Your insults are like a weather forecast – predictably disappointing.

Your roasts are about as spicy as plain white bread.

If you ever cross my mind, I'll make sure it's a busy intersection..

I can't think of anything to celebrate on your birthday except you being closer to death..

You're like a broken pencil - pointless and full of lead.

I've met toddlers with better verbal skills than you.

My heart was beating fast when I saw you walk in. I thought you were the monster under my bed..

You're the reason they invented the mute button.

You must be on a low battery; your insults are running out of energy.

That's the best you can do? I'm disappointed.

I'd be offended, but I can't take you seriously enough for that.

I would insult you, but nature already did a fantastic job.

You're about as original as a smartphone ringtone.

Wow, that burn was so weak, I could warm my hands over it.

I've heard better roasts from a toaster.